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Random Funnies from 20 Years of Travel

Travel is fun and shouldn’t always be taken so seriously. Sometimes it just makes more sense to have a good laugh about the small things. I typically try to write more informative blogs, but I’ve been worn down by the upset regarding the United Kingdom BREXIT from the European Union.

Top Travel Funnies

The joys of flying
“Attention, we’ve hit some turbulence, please fasten your seat belt”.
Thanks so much for waking me up so I can put my belt on, because if the plane crashes from the sky and goes hurtling towards the earth below, that 2 mm thick strip of metal is actually going to save my life.

“Thank you for choosing to fly American Airlines. I know there were a number of airlines you could have chosen and we appreciate you selecting us”.
Hey no worries AA, it’s my pleasure. Well, that and you were the cheapest on the market; that may have had something to do with how I made my decision.

“During the morning hours on a plane, coffee or tea will be served.”
Thanks very much, because that half-full micro-cup of coffee is just the refreshing boost I need for a seven hour stopover in Guangzhou.

“I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve alcohol during morning hours.”
Oh it’s morning, I hadn’t realised given that all the window screens are down and I’ve been travelling for over 20 hours. Be a dear, and march off down to the cockpit for a bottle of red and a whisky dry chaser.

Civilians can also be very stupid also...
Civilians can also be very stupid also…

“Sir I see you’re sitting in an emergency seat, would you be happy to assist with exit in the event of an emergency landing?”
Would I? Mate that door will be flying open before we even land and I’ll be sliding to safety beckoning the others to follow, don’t you worry.

If it doesn’t taste like chicken or fish, then no matter what they call this mystery meat, just slap a smile on your face, eat it and try not to think about it.

Top tip: always bring flip flops when flying because apparently it’s acceptable to wee on the toilet floor when cruising at an altitude of 39,000 feet.


“Street food will make you sick and restaurant food will prevent a dose of the Delhi Belly.”
A common falsity is thinking that the meat in restaurants comes from a different market than the food cooked on street corners. I’ve seen the kitchens of some truly awful restaurants and personally, I’ll take my chances with food I can see being cooked.
*depends on the country obviously*

“I turned vegetarian in India to avoid getting sick”
Um….what do you think the salad, plate, bowl, glass, ice, knife and fork were washed in, Evian water?

On the road
Hotel duvet covers, bed spreads or bed runners almost never get washed, they are more dirty than you could ever imagine. Don’t believe me? How many people have put their cases or shoes on the bed, the same case and shoes which have been dragged across public streets? How many people have had sex on the same cover? I had a friend who worked in a hotel (this well known chain will remain nameless) and he had some horrific stories. First thing I do is rip it off!

Pack safe metal backpack casings don’t make you safer in any way:
– They are heavy
– They are a total pain to take off and put back on
– They help those who may rob you, identify that you have more to lose and not to waste time with those surviving on a US$20 daily budget. You’ll have less chance of being robbed if you dress like a hobo…sorry hipsters!

Malaria preventative tablets will stop you getting Malaria — Wrong folks, wrong…so wrong. Antimalarials only reduce your risk of infection but you can still be bitten and contract the disease. I was once chastised for only using 50% Deet and not taking malaria tablets and in a malarial country (I never get bitten), by someone who refused to use mosquito repellant. That’s right luv, keep taking your pills!

Always change money before you leave your home country. In my experience, it’s best to change a small amount of money on arrival and the rest when a local can advise you where to get the best rate in town.

Finally, sometimes the worry of trusting someone or taking a risk whilst travelling, is actually more mentally and physically exhausting than just doing it. Things don’t always work out as you would like, but they always work out!

Happy travelling folks.


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